On Being a Dad: Part One
For a change of pace, I’m going to steer away from eco-talk. This is a good thing, as doing so typically gets my blood boiling. Believe me, I bite my tongue, watching as I do a significant portion of the environmental movement calcify and fragment before my very eyes. I still hope for strong, visionary unifying leadership, but as it has yet to manifest I wonder how much longer the world can hold out.
Instead, I’ll talk to my small but growing readership (thanks to you who are spreading the word!) about something that has been on my mind of late. Namely, the fact that my friends seem to include me in their revelry less and less as time goes by. Certainly, some of you know what I’m talking about? The whole “friends w/out kids have a hard time relating to friends w/kids” situation. Most of my friends, for various reasons, never reproduced and/or have no plans to breed. I salute and respect this adherence to the ZPG-agenda. However, I’m finally realizing that it could well be that, as young Justice Masaru North Brilliant (pictured) develops into an independent entity (we celebrated his fourth birthday on 25. October), presenting unique and consuming parental challenges (as opposed to the simple feed and wipe duties of his earlier years), my friends are increasingly less regular with their profferings of routine social invitations.
Granted, it could be that they tire of my “Justice and I are in for the night. Why don’t you come over … we can hang out and talk” line, as they typically prefer to hang out at venues where talking is nigh impossible either due to volume or distraction (but, to be fair, the food is usually amazing). Fair enough, I suppose. But how many years must one advance before one’s peer group is content with more subdued associations? Is it such a struggle to engage in genuine discourse with a four-year-old’s unceasing stream of questions and toys in ear and under foot?
I’m old enough to understand that the world, due to genetic imperatives, revolves around fucking and fighting (i.e. the local bar). But wouldn’t it be nice to soften this double helix choke hold by spending more time remembering who we were? I maintain the best way to do this is by spending more time with our replacements, the next generation. Some people may not feel entirely comfortable spending time with children, but I think that in denying themselves this pleasure they’re missing out on more than they realize.
Any other parents out there relate?
Tags: Ruminations
well, with all due respect your view is a little one-sided. have you talked to your friends about this? as one of those singles w/o kids who does enjoy being around those with kids it takes a supreme amount of effort to maintain these relationships…it’s not like it was “before”…how many times can you have a disjointed conversation etc. You might be surprised to learn that your non children friends miss you too…!
Jeanne -
I think you hit it right on the head. It aint “like it used to be.” Well put and understood. Surely, you recognize the frustration of a continued lack of protracted, interesting discourse, no? Granted, it has nothing to do with kids. It has to do with a need to upgrade one’s social circle away from those who need to drink every night (oh, but it’s only wine) and can’t help but spend hours talking about the world’s least interesting topic - other people. I fear for my son’s social scene - people raised on texting, AIM and brief e-missives. Already basic skills like spelling and punctuation are lost on far too many. To think that this does not translate into verbal communication problems is to deny the correlation between written and verbal thought processes. We’re dumbing ourselves down every day, with every text, every bullet point presentation.
Hey Tod. I linked over from sustainablog and as a father of three, I would like to offer you some words of encouragement.
Within a few years, you will likely be running in a new circle of responsible adults. Presumbably, your boy is about to enter school, play some sports, enter scouting, want to attend church, etc. As his social circle widens, so again will yours as you interact with these other children’s families. Unfortunately, this may not be the circle you expect or desire. These will not be folks with whom you will run the bars, drink until the wee hours of the morning, trash talk your neighbors, or hunt skirt. These people will be concerned with their own children’s well-being (although it may seem misplaced at times) and their ability to provide a life for their respective families. They will probably only maintain a friendship with you as long as it remains convenient. You may make a lifelong friend, but don’t count on it. Believe it or not, this is a good thing because one of the neat things about this circle is that it is ever-changing. Your son’s early friendships will give way to new ones with his passing years and passing fancies. These passing relationships are better in some respects, because your kid becomes the constant. The flow of friends gained and lost do serve to teach your child an important life lesson. Friends may come and friends may go, but my family (esp. Dad) was always there for me.
BTW, don’t buy into the ZPG agenda. Although I believe that we need more reproductive responsibility, their war on the unborn is appalling. Can you even imagine your world had you aborted Justice?
Well understood, Bobby. You make a similar point to my own - that is, the ‘bar scene’ is years ago dead for me, child or no child. I’m not necessarily looking for other people with kids, just people that don’t ‘need’ their weekly dose of the ‘fighting and fucking’ scene. I keep hoping that my peer group will finally slow down enough that things like conversatoin and genuine exchange trump alcohol-tinged gossip and faux-witty banter. Now, in reality, I’ve a number of friends who I spend quality time with - it’s more the general scene that disappoints. Admittedly, I’m something of an elitist but that really only means I’m rooting for the betterment of humanity, does it not? Heh.
I have never had the capacity to be an elitist. My circle of influence is small and I tend to like it that way. I believe that grass roots movements generally have better long-term results.
I was also never much on the “f & f” scene rampant at bars. The cowboys and the wannabees at the bars tended to target me for the first “f”. That doesn’t end no matter how many drunks you best. And the women were not too interested in me for the second “f”. I don’t have the scoundrel gene. So, I pretty much knew the bars were not part of my domain after about six visits.
But hindsight has shown that my course (though not entirely of my choosing) has protected me from a variety of pitfalls and given me an enviable position when dealing with others (esp. my kids). It is funny how much respect one can attain by not having a checkered past upon which others can throw criticism. However, a checkered past can also be overcome if one is able to leave it in the past. People can not degrade a person who knows he is standing on a solid foundation; even if the foundation is relatively new.
As far as that social circle, do not discount the ones that your son will likely provide for you. As an involved parent, you can be a mentor to him and other kids (and their parents) if you are willing to take the lead. Step up to being a scout master, a little league coach, a Sunday school teacher, or whatever. Yes it cuts into “your” time, but the dividends are priceless. Pay attention and you will notice how your circle is evolving. It may not seem better or nearly as exciting as the old one, but there is value in it. I would also caution you to avoid slipping back into the old ways for even brief periods. Little eyes will be watching your every move from this point forward, and the example you set will be the example he emulates.
And lastly, quality time with friends is okay but it is important to note that it doesn’t work with your kids. They want “quantity” time with you, not necessarily “quality” time.
Hi Todd, I found your site through the green blogger group- I really like what your doing and just wanted to offer up a bit of inspiration from the other side… I have four kids, ages 8-18 and have been married for over 23 years… I remember the days when the split between married with kids and not married- no kids just seemed to happen, and then seemed inevitable. Here’s the thing, nothing would make you give up your own agenda, reasonable extended conversation and the plethora of other self generated and motivated agendas than your kid- The loss is well compensated for the graduate level maturity that raising children and creating sustainable families requires and provides. Building families is how we learn who we are and inspires us to improve even on that.
Looking forward to reading more- Check out my blog on making love sustainable- sometimes its even a little sexy… http://www.goodcleanlove.com/blog.
Warmly, Wendy
Wendy -
Thanks for the great feedback. I do understand and appreciate quite a lot what you say. Indeed, the reward of having a child far outstrips the loss of more minor relationships. My post was merely a lament for the small losses - tiny and absurd as they may be, we still find the time to mourn every inconvenience and slight…part of the luxury of living in the lap of luxury. The fact that I’m able to sit in front of my computer and wail about such trivialities only further highlights how thankful I must be for the privilige of such nonsense. My son, most likely, will live in a world that is far different. He will recognize these days as days of wild waste, as the time when we saw the light, albeit too late.
By the way, your website didn’t show up. . .wrong address? Let me/us know!